The Random files
by hikari Kei hanazono
Summary: Sometimes things go on in my brain that I just have to share... like when I have dirty thoughts about Spongebob... but seriously I promised myself I'd never write a story like this, but I did... so here we go! series of one shots enjoy!


It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Max, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly frustrated, Max punched a live hand grenade, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, she realized that her beloved Angel's teddy bear was missing! Immediately she called her former lay, Fang. Max had known Fang for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Fang was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Max called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Fang picked up to a very sad Max. Fang calmly assured her that most legless puppies grimace before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually scandalously yawn *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Max. Why was Fang trying to distract Max? Because he had snuck out from Max's with the Angel's teddy bear only two days prior. It was a curious little Angel's teddy bear... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Max got back to the subject at hand: her Angel's teddy bear. Fang turned red. Relunctantly, Fang invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Angel's teddy bear. Max grabbed her hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fang realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Angel's teddy bear and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if Max took the magic flying carpet, he had take at least four minutes before Max would get there. But if she took the wings? Then Fang would be excessively screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fang was interrupted by six pestering Octopuss that were lured by his Angel's teddy bear. Fang sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he deftly reached for his gerbil and fearlessly attacked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the wings rolling up. It was Max.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so she knew she was running late. With a skillful leap, Max was out of the wings and went flamboyantly jaunting toward Fang's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fang was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Angel's teddy bear into a box of potatos and then slid the box behind his canoe. Fang was concerned but at least the Angel's teddy bear was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Fang explosively purred. With a careful push, Max opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted spite-toting jerk in a homemade car,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Fang assured her. Max took a seat excruciatingly close to where Fang had hidden the Angel's teddy bear. Fang yawned trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Max was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, Fang noticed a clueless look on Max's face. Max slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Fang felt a stabbing pain in his love handle when Max asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Angel's teddy bear right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Max's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Max nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fang could react, Max randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Angel's teddy bear was plainly in view.

Max stared at Fang for what what must've been six nanoseconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Fang groped sassily in Max's direction, clearly desperate. Max grabbed the Angel's teddy bear and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fang let out a curious chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Max,' he rebuked. Fang always had been a little annoying, so Max knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Fang did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, she gripped her Angel's teddy bear tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Fang looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Max. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame seven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Max. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fang walked over to the window and looked down. Max was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Max was struggling to make her way through the haunted thicket behind Fang's place. Max had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Octopuss suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Angel's teddy bear. One by one they latched on to Max. Already weakened from her injury, Max yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Octopuss running off with her Angel's teddy bear.

But then God came down with His outgoing smile and restored Max's Angel's teddy bear. Feeling displeased, God smote the Octopuss for their injustice. Then He got in His tricked out go kart and blasted away with the fortitude of 20 spotted wolf hamsters running from a big pack of Indonesian devil cats. Max ran with joy when she saw this. Her Angel's teddy bear was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in eleven minutes her favorite TV show, Fringe, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When spotted wolf hamsters meet unborn fetus'). Max was giddy. And so, everyone except Fang and a few unborn fetus-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.


End file.
